I try my best to apply this knowledge to everything I do. I really feel it's made me into a much healthier person. Here's a list of 10 things movies have taught me NOT to do:
1. Don't use the internet.
And to a much greater extent, technology in general. If the American remake of "Pulse" can teach us anything at all, it's that haunted computer viruses will eventually cause our greatest societies to crumble like a nerd during a dodgeball game. Basically this means that if you're reading this now, you're screwed. It also means I'm screwed while I write this. Shit.
I know some of you out there won't heed my advice and will continue to play Angry Birds on your smartphones or download gigabytes of internet porn from BitTorrent. Well, if you need more convincing, just check out the remake's sequel "Pulse 2: Afterlife," which has a scene where two of the characters battle an evil laptop. Be afraid. Very afraid.
2. Don't lease a rent-controlled apartment.
Chances are it will drive you crazy and cause you to act like Jack Nicholson in "The Shining." Just ask the main character from "Occupant," a recluse who has to rely on his weird, Super Mario-looking doorman to bring him groceries. Imagine waiting for toilet paper on taco and loose corn night, while simultaneously fending off the forces of psychological and supernatural darkness. My apartment isn't rent-controlled and I never have to deal with that kind of effed-up head trip. No money in the world is worth that.
3. Don't poop in the haunted outhouse.
Just don't. Because if you do, you'll probably have to squeeze it off halfway through once all the weird paranormal junk starts happening, and we all know how uncomfortable that is. The guy in "The Presence" taught me how terrifying this can be, and you don't want to go through what he did (an outhouse began shaking while he was in it). Plus, chances are that while you've got your pants down, some creepy ghost will be staring directly at your business. Don't encourage the supernatural voyeurs.
4. Don't let your lack of superpowers prevent you from being a superhero.
Batman who? "The Green Hornet" proves exactly how easy it is to become a nocturnal vigilante if you just have a ton of inherited money, partner with a highly-skilled "Ninja Assassin" of a sidekick to do the hard stuff, and act like a totally obnoxious, drunk jackass all the time. To me, that spells winning. Maybe even bi-winning.
In the face of this Triforce of heroic characteristics, guys like Spider-Man seem like total weenies, who have to rely on special abilities to impress people. I'll grab me some gadgets and a handful of poorly-written one-liners over that crap any day.
5. Don't be a zombie.
"Land of the Dead" taught me one very important lesson: don't die and reanimate as a flesh-eating version of yourself. It sucks enough when you want to eat flesh while you're still alive, but once you become a zombie it's all you can think about. No more 2 AM runs to McDonald's after the bar. No more awesome Super Smash Bros. tournaments with the dudes (which you shouldn't be doing anyway, if you read the first item on my list). No more talking about cool movies or reading cool movie blogs. Just man-flesh all up in your mouth. Plus, according to the Romero movies, you become slow as hell, and I personally don't want to make undead pee in my pants as I shamble to the bathroom.
6. Don't be a Greek god.
If you've ever seen "Immortals," then you know that being a Greek deity isn't all that it's cracked up to be. Not only will you speak with an inexplicable British accent, but you will also be forced to wear the most ridiculous clothes ever conceived. Also, someone might try to film you in unnecessary 3D. Even if you're really into wielding unfathomable power, this is still not a good trade-off.
7. Don't go to summer camp.
With the exception of the hilarious "Wet Hot American Summer," chances are that the summer camp you or your children worked at or attended was actually the main stomping grounds of a deformed serial killer with a huge-ass knife. Why else would they make 12 different movies in the "Friday the 13th" series about this unless it was real? There's obviously some desire to get the sickening truth out there, because there's no other reason anyone in their right mind would keep intentionally releasing this cinematic crap.
8. Don't go to the moon.
While most of us won't have to worry about this one, there's probably still enough potential future astronauts out there sputtering "OMG! WTF? You're cramping my style, bro" about this item for it to be worth mentioning. Take it seriously, otherwise you'll end up like Sam Rockwell in "Moon" or, worse yet, the guys from "Apollo 18." You can tell that "Apollo 18" really happened by the crappy, shaky Handycam-style footage. I mean, no filmmaker would ever intentionally do this as a gimmick. Right?
Apparently, if you go to the moon, shit will get all up in your spacesuit and kill your ass. It's obviously natural's way of saying "Hey you! Get back on down to Earth, where things are all natural-like!" And honestly, who the hell are we to argue with nature?
9. Don't go to Japan. Ever.
As if Japan wasn't a weird enough place already, they had to go ahead and put effing ghosts in it. If you've seen any of "The Grudge" movies, specifically the Japanese iterations "Ju-on: The Grudge" and "Ju-on: The Grudge 2," then you know as well as I do that it's not uncommon in Japan for creepy, croaking women to crawl at you, or for pale, young boys to screech like a cat in your face while running around bare-ass naked. On its own, this would be scary enough, but add on the extra risk of this situation potentially leading to the Japanese version of Chris Hansen suddenly showing up to expose and apprehend you. Totally not worth the ramen noodles, no matter how authentic they are.
10. Don't be afraid of the dark.
This isn't really a piece of advice I learned from movies at all: I just wanted to reiterate how awful of a del Toro flick "Don't Be Afraid of the Dark" is. Yeesh.
Closing comments:
If what people say is true - that movies imitate life - then we have more to worry about than the meager 10 listings I just went over. In this same respect, life should learn from the mistakes made in movies. So be sure to unplug your cellphones, shut your blinds, and cancel all international travel plans, because if you've absorbed as much as I have from these films, then you're on the right path to staying alive. And alive is a very, very good thing to be.
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