Films All the Time: Michael Bay

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Brian's Review - Transformers 12: Transformers in Time!!!

If this movie was a girl, I'd totally take her to prom!!!

Released: 2012
Genre(s): Action, Michael Bay, EXPLOSIONS!!

Holy crap!! I've seen a lot of movies in my life, but Michael Bay just might have outdone himself! I mean, the guy is an effing genius: he puts more explosions into every movie than Jesus!! He's the film equivalent of Criss Angel - dark, brooding, and definitely magic! Mikey's most recent flick "Transformers 12: Transformers in Time!!!" had so many EXPLOSIONS in it that I totally didn't care about the story or character development AT ALL!! If you love explosions like I do, then you will need to bring at least two adult diapers with you if you plan on seeing this, because IT WILL ROCK EVERYTHING STRAIGHT OUT OF YOUR BOWELS!! Mike has packed some awesome robot dinosaurs that shoot beams when they roar into this movie, and it's up to the heroes to stop them (SPOILER ALERT: or maybe make friends with them?!)!! I think it's cool how time played a factor in this movie, because if it was based in just one time period then there wouldn't be enough epic set pieces and plot devices to really make this movie shine!! There are some heartwarming moments that made me cry a lot, but they were happy tears, because the acting is so good! LOL!! The graphics in this one are awesome too and are all hand-drawn with coal by small children in Cambodia!! Michael explained the reason they moved from 3D back to the classic 2D-style is due to the profit margin for the last two films being way, way, WAY too small to afford more than four summer homes at once!! The best feature of this movie series though is its undeniable and unlimited potential for sequels!! The ending of "Tranformers 12: Transformers in Time!!!" is such a cliff-hanger, so we all know there will be a "Transformers 13" and that's just more awesome than a fat bus rolling into Cannibal Town! Rumor has it that the sequel will maybe take place in the jungle, or somewhere in the desert, or in a populated city, or MAYBE EVEN IN SPACE!! I'm so excited that I just peed and threw up AT THE SAME TIME!!! Anyway, on a serious note, you need to go see this movie, because it'll TRANSFORM your heart (I put that in caps so everyone could tell what I did there)!!

Rating (out of 5): Higher than God can count!!

Thursday, February 9, 2012

TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON

Where do I even begin...

Want to be a successful film maker? Here's a formula for you: Step 1) find a crappy but easily marketable script 2)make sure there's plenty of cheesy dialogue 3) hire terrible actors to be the star 4) pay good actors large sums for minor bit roles 5) ignore everything else and fill the movie with tons of CG special effects; the more explosions the better. This is the Michael Bay formula.

The third movie in Michael Bay's adaptation of the retro 80s cartoon follows the exact same formula as the first two. Besides a few new characters there's nothing new or innovative in the third iteration.

The plot was jumbled and incoherent. During the first half the action seemed to come in sporadic bursts, the gaps filled by poorly written and even more poorly executed dialogue.

The dialogue is so bad that not even the best actor in Hollywood could have made the lines believable or sincere; there was little hope for Shia LaBeouf. John Turturro reprises his role as "Agent Simmons". While Turturro is one of my favorite actors he does little to lift this movie from the dregs of Hollywood's sewers. John Malkovich makes a surprising cameo as LaBeouf's eccentric boss. Malkovich plays his role perfectly and provides some much needed comedic spark from an otherwise stale cast.

I feel legitamtely less intelligent after watching this film. Bay seems to committed to making each film significantly worse than the last. When (not if) the fourth film is released I fear it may legitimately kill brain cells. If you really, really enjoy explosions and seizure inducing special effects this may be the film for you. If you enjoy plot, dialogue and/or good acting you may want to skip this one.

Of course, Michael Bay gets the last laugh as he counts his millions of dollars: *1.5 of 5*

Rating System

For your convenience, here's a quick breakdown of this blog's rating system. Ratings do not go below a 1:

5/5 - Superior. This movie is a unique creation and can be enjoyed by almost anyone.

4.5/5 - Excellent. This movie is an undeniably enjoyable experience and has significant mass-appeal, but lacks that little extra something that would make it a true masterpiece.

4/5 - Very Good. This movie exceeds expectations and offers lasting entertainment value, making it worthy of purchase or multiple viewings.

3.5/5 - Good. This movie manages to raise the bar ever-so-slightly, but does so either unintentionally, or inconsistently. There are glints of brilliance within the muck.

3/5 - Average. This movie is worth at least a single viewing. A decent film that unfortunately doesn't live up to its full potential.

2.5/5 - Passable. This movie sits somewhere in no man's land, neither falling into the "good" or "bad" category. It might have some enjoyable moments that are canceled out by something less impressive within the film.

2/5 - Bad. This movie might be heading in the right direction, when it suddenly takes a nosedive into oblivion. It may be worth a viewing simply out of morbid curiosity, or if it's part of a series that must be completed.

1.5/5 - Very Bad. This movie is so bad it hurts to watch it, but gets the extra half-point due to a single positive aspect: maybe there are some great-looking special effects, or a character drops a single, hilarious one-liner. Most won't last long enough to find out.

1/5 - Terrible. Abysmal. Atrocious. A crime against humanity. Avoid at all costs, unless you have a desire to lose a massive number of brain cells.