"Vampires Suck" sucks.
Released: 2010
Genre(s): Comedy
There is no denying that within the past few years alone, the vampire craze has managed to grow from coveted, "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" nerd obsession, to frothing, teen fan girl fad-of-the-moment, to unrelenting world trend. It makes sense, since vampires are a symbol of everything that our society longs for: superficial beauty and the ability to prolong one's life indefinitely, simply by consuming the life force of others (corporate America, much?). I always find it funny and somewhat admirable when someone tries to put a satirical spin on the flavor of the week, especially while its fanbase is at the height of its ravenous feeding frenzy. "Vampires Suck" is a film doing its very best to curb the epidemic caused by the "Twilight" series (most notably the movie adaptations of "Twilight" and "New Moon") as a tongue-in-cheek parody, but, much like the slowest kid on the track team, its best just isn't good enough. Despite the rich mythology of author Stephenie Meyer's source material, "Vampires Sucks" strays away from any witty, potentially-humorous commentaries about the vampire culture, instead opting to awkwardly force random social references and fourth grade playground slapstick into every scene. The aspects of the national craze that seem so obviously spoof-worthy are barely mocked, as the writing almost immediately takes a nosedive into completely brainless nonsense. I can't blame the actors for any of this - for the most part, the acting is goofy enough to be enjoyable (or at the very least, bearable), and characters are played up as direct caricatures of their "Twilight" counterparts fairly accurately. The most notable member of the cast is lead Jenn Proske, who does such a convincing imitation of Kristen Stewart's awkward, hair-pulling, lip-biting Bella Swan that the two actresses could almost be interchangeable. Unfortunately, a wickedly solid lead actress can't carry this pathetic attempt at parody by herself, and the film ultimately fails in almost every respect known to man. Plenty of movies do what this one tries to do better. Much, much better.
Rating (out of 5): 1.5
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