Brian's Review - Episode 50

Pray "Episode 51" never, ever happens.

Released: 2011
Genre(s): Horror, Thriller

As I've said before, ghosts are scary. Or, at least they're supposed to be, right? I mean, they do all sorts of effed-up stuff: they pass through physical objects, moan in agony, possess toys and make them creepily move. With such rich, terrifying, and primal mythologies to base spooky spirits off of, how could any film get it wrong?

"Episode 50" is how. Maybe I secretly like brain aneurysms, but whenever Netflix shoves a movie about ghosts in front of me, I find myself hitting "play" before I can reflect on any of my past mistakes. Good golly, I really should have reflected here.

"Episode 50" doesn't even start off with a good presentation: parts of the film are traditional, third-person camerawork, while others are randomly first-person, "found-footage"-style mumbo jumbo, without any real explanation of why these transitions are occurring. They certainly don't look pretty, nor do they add to the suspense or drama of the movie, and relying on them as a novel gimmick has been overdone.

Regarding plot, "Episode 50" weaves a story about a paranormal investigation team that went missing while documenting an allegedly-haunted location. Sound familiar? It should, because this is basically a poor man's version of the massively-underrated "Grave Encounters" - a film superior to this one in every way. This is especially apparent when one observes the acting in "Episode 50," which plays out a lot like a kindergarten play, minus the cute giggling and unintentional stammering of lines. With this movie, I can't tell if the stammering is due to the horrible script or from the actors themselves being completely devoid of talent. This cast is definitely the acting world's version of NFL replacement refs. You want them to die within the first 20 minutes of the film and that feeling only intensifies as the melodrama drags on.

It would've made it slightly less unbearable if there were any scares thrown in to break up the monotony of watching the definition of "stupid" personified onscreen, but alas, this was another essential aspect of ye olde horror movie that was neglected by the filmmakers. "Episode 50" attempts to scrape by with mediocre effects, a complete lack of atmosphere, and poor execution. In all honesty, the only thing you should expect to send shivers down your spine is the atrocious acting. This isn't even bad enough to be fun. Avoid.

Rating (out of 5): 1

Brian's Review - Up in the Air (2009)

An enjoyably down-to-earth experience.

Released: 2009
Genre(s): Drama, Comedy

The ever-talented George Clooney has played many eccentric parts over the years: a casino-robbing genius; a pomade-obsessed fugitive; Batman. But a corporate downsizer? A regular (albeit excessively-arrogant) guy who travels the country firing people for companies? Especially after watching him capably play such a grounded character in the spectacular "The Descendants," I had to check out "Up in the Air" to see if it had been a fluke occurrence.

I can pleasantly announce that Clooney is perfect for this lead role. He manages to embody both the suave, cocky, jet-setting, corporate playboy and the aging, uncertain company man in a fast-changing world, who grapples with his own inability to make real connections with people. It sounds formulaic on paper, but Clooney brings a very relatable personality to this protagonist - you never feel quite bad or down for him, but you chuckle at his jaded outlooks, applaud him for his revelations, and, at moments, kind of wish all of your work clothes looked that good. He's human, engaging, and surrounded by a vibrant supporting cast that's saturated with cameos.

While "Up in the Air" tackles dramatic subject matter, such as the effects of unemployment on our workforce and the devastating consequences of failed expectations, it does so without every bogging itself down with melodrama - in fact, it glares unflinchingly at its topics with every intention of overcoming the weight of today's society with youthful optimism and humor. In the same breath, it doesn't romanticize the real-life ideas it addresses, but handles them realistically and rationally, and asks us not just "What if?" but "What if this were you? Because it very well could be." It's a film that doesn't take itself too seriously, but doesn't take its themes too lightly, and that's a great balance that's rarely pulled off well.

While not a must-see title, "Up in the Air" is well above average in every way, using humor and charm to give us something that can be thought-provoking if we want it to be, or just an easily-digestible, Clooney-driven quip fest if we'd prefer our pertinent social commentary to sit in the background. It's a nice look at reality through somewhat rosy, but very clear and very aware glasses, and by the end of the trip you'll be glad you tried them on.

Rating (out of 5): 4

Brian's Review - Silent House

Silent...but deadly?

Released: 2011
Genre(s): Horror, Thriller

What makes a haunted house scary? Is it the gruesome brutality of events past? The decrepit, forlorn atmosphere, resulting from years of neglect? The complete lack of wi-fi?

No. It's the otherworldly haunts. Ghosts - whether they float, teleport, crawl, hobble, or slither - are undeniably terrifying mother effers. They can disappear without warning, only to later manifest in any number of places where they don't belong (like your mirror). They come shrieking out of the shadows and get up in your grill. And they're always trying to turn your furniture into avant-garde art fixtures. Even the most misunderstood spirits are creepy as hell, which is normally their own fault for acting like screaming, bleeding assholes, instead of just sending their friends a text from beyond the grave that says "WTF I was murdered LOL."

So what does this have to do with "Silent House"? Well, for one, the movie is riddled with things that go bump in the night - and boy, do they bump a lot. In fact, many of the film's most spine-tingling moments occur when the tranquility of the old, rickety house is unexpectedly shattered by the sounds of shuffling footsteps in some uninhabited upstairs room. Slamming doors, twisted visions of unknown crimes committed during the abode's dark history, and unexplained paranormal activity all contribute to an eerie and unsettling setup.

Unfortunately, said setup is slow to start, with much of the movie's first moments being taken up by backstory that is so bare-bones that it in no way is able to justify its plodding pace or disjointed delivery. Once things actually get going, "Silent House" does manage to ride high on its effective combination of quasi-"found footage" sensibilities and the psychological pressure of the main character's situation. The whole emotional package being sold here is heightened significantly, thanks to the film being edited to view like a single take - the lack of scene transitions ensures there isn't much time to gather yourself between jolts. However, even this novel approach isn't enough to save "Silent House" from itself during some critical moments.

While Elizabeth Olsen does an excellent job of working herself into a horrified frenzy, she's unable to support the entire cast. The supporting characters seem wooden in their movements and conversations, making it impossible for us to feel the same level of panic during each scene. Where there isn't any dialogue, we're left with long, drawn-out sequences that rob the movie of all momentum, instead of offering the same delectable slow burn tactics seen during the middle acts. These moments become even more unbearable once the plot basically begins to bash us over the head with such obvious foreshadowing that the rest of the film feels like a game of "Wheel of Fortune" with only the vowels missing. It's honestly insulting to the audience's intelligence and makes the twist incredibly underwhelming.

It's a shame, because "Silent House" could have utilized its blend of gimmicky camerawork, haunted house elements, and psychological horror presentation to differentiate itself from similar films in the genre; instead, it ends up as a mediocre remake of the original Uruguayan movie. It's also a huge bummer that someone in Hollywood felt the need to steal this idea almost immediately after the release of its South American counterpart. Even lamer is the claim that this film is "inspired by true events" - this is basically movie maker code for "at some point, something happened to some people that may or may not have been like this, but we think this is what went down." Leaning on gimmicks more than on substance makes this an average flick with a couple good scares and a subpar, dissatisfying ending.

Rating (out of 5): 3

Brian's Review - The Legend of Lucy Keyes

A legend not worth retelling.

Released: 2006
Genre(s): Drama, Mystery, Thriller, Horror

Every now and then I play Netflix Russian roulette, where I pick a movie at random and pray to the ancient gods of old that it ends up being good. I'd say about half the movies I find are decent, with the other half causing me to hemorrhage intensely and/or uppercut random objects in a blind fury. Unfortunately for myself, my possessions, and my loved ones, "The Legend of Lucy Keyes" was the exact type of brain-meltingly horrendous concoction that normally causes said uppercutting marathons. Sweet bags of kettle corn, is this film bad.

Let me start off by saying that Netflix needs to get its shit together. Not only did they categorize this movie as a "horror," but they also used the super-creepy version of the poster featuring a little ghost girl (and nothing is scarier than undead children). This is outrageously misleading, and I say shame on Netflix for betraying my trust. Sure, the film features its fair share of otherworldly spooks looming out of the mist to shriek at the protagonists, but in reality this is a drama. And I don't mean "The King's Speech"-caliber drama; no, I mean gut-wrenching, contrived, brain-numbing, overacted, poorly-scripted drama. This movie did really well on Lifetime, and no offense to anybody who enjoys a good "mom and daughter bonding over cancer/death/underage pregnancy in the family" cry fest, but I can see why. Despite being made in 2006, everything from the credits to the music to the filter used on the camera has that special (read: cheesy) 1980's quality to it - and the acting is no exception.

This is about as scary as a reading of "Goodnight Moon" (which means it's significantly less scary than people who shop at Walmart), without any semblance of real suspense or thrills, and a pace that would make a nursing home look like a fraternity house during the weekend. There's a part or two where a half-assed attempt to "creep out the audience" occurs, but every time I started to grip my seat in anticipation, the film reminded me of what it really was, and lost all momentum abruptly. The worst part of this carrot-and-stick approach is that once the "big reveal" of the movie finally comes to light, it's impossible to justify the immense amount of mental pain the story and bad acting doled out beforehand.

So let's go over this again, shall we? Production: bad. Acting: bad. Music: bad (unless you're really into generic synthesizer riffs). Plot: stupid (despite the claim that this is based on a true story). Overall, this is one of those films where nothing could have gone worse for it (or the audience viewing it). It's rare that I stumble across something so completely devoid of redeeming characteristics that I have to smack it with the lowest of low scores, but "The Legend of Lucy Keyes" is epic in its shittiness. Unless you have a soft spot (and I mean a very soft spot) for the corniest of movies, I can almost guarantee that this is not going to be for you. In keeping with my Russian roulette reference from before, this is an effing bullet to the head.

Rating (out of 5): 1